Friday, July 15, 2011

Letting GO's

I experienced "Letting Go" so many times. By the day I was born I did let go. I lived in my Mama's tummy for like nine months. Imagine by February 20 I learned to let go and left her tummy. It wasn't a difficult one. Actually this was probably the best let go I did. I made my parents smile and as much as the entire clan. I enjoyed everyone's eye and attention at me, until my sister also let go on our Mama's womb. I was so happy to have her as a sister and a playmate. Not for a long while, we grew up and learned to be mortal enemies as well. What was mine, should be hers too. If I wear this, she should wears same as mine. If I eat something, she should have it too. I got so jealous, I believed there are certain things that should only be mine. But, my sister didn't agree to this. Instead, she'll cry to death until she would be like "kawawa" (pitiful) one. So my parents would say:

"Hayaan mo na yan, Ate ka naman.. Pahiram muna..." ("Let her.. your the Eldest sister.. Let her have it for a while")

There I gave my doll that my Ninong (godfather) gave me. I let go on my doll. That was the first hurtful let go. But that didn't last. Because like other kids, my attention easily captured by other things or toys. Same thing happened when my little brother arrived in the family. He was so cute and adorable. Everyone loved him specially our parents, the mere fact that he was their first son and they probably got fed up on us (having two girls). I got so jealous wherein I did crazy things just to get their attention. Where I ended up being scolded. But what can I do? I was craving for love and attention that my brother had been enjoying. Soon I learned he is my brother, nothing to worry for our parents surely love us fair and square. I ended up, letting go of this natural envious resentment to my siblings. I liked the taste of this let go, for this welcome happiness, peace of mind and indeed a contentment on my part.

As when school started, I was not like other kids who used to be pampered at school by their parents. I saw parents outside our classroom and for me it's so annoying! And then some of my classmates will cry if they're parents leave them. Well, I'm not like them. I loved to go to school carrying may fancy bag, wearing my head band on my wavy hair, and wearing my huge smile dedicated to my first ultimate crush. Further, it was actually him that gave me reason of loving school, my pre-elem and elementary days. He's my dream boyfriend to be, what a puppy love wasn't it? Well, his name is Allan Castro. I can still remember that whenever we got free time, we used to play the game "My Favorite Fruit..." (a game where 2 or more persons will hold their hands and clap a hand to the other hand while we sing the song.. My favorite fruit is Adam fruit...Anong pangalan ng first love mo?) Of course, I was shy to tell who was he, for I knew they will just going to tease me. And if Allan would know my little puppy love secret on him, he might stay away from me. And that would be awkward! But one day he confronted me. Some of my closest friends spilled out some clues about me liking him. I went so shy. I just can't looked at him. "Ha? Bakit naman?" (Why would I?), I denied. Until every single day he would just forced me to confirm the rumors that has been spreading in our grade-III class. I don't know if I was so obvious that I was lying or it's just my lovable trustful friends kept on betraying secrets of ours. Eventually I was forced. I came to realize I have to let go of my shyness and tell him everything before it gets too late. (the heck! Am I really matured at that time and age to think of saying my feelings with such braveness?) I did. I told him even though I don't know what would be his reaction even his response, nothing at all. And I was surprised, he even likes me too! :) I knew it! He have also a crush on me. lol What a sweet let go, anyway!

It didn't last long. He transferred to a different school when we where at fifth grade. And I focused much on my academic and extra-curricular activities at school. I did well at school I was always at the top 3. My teacher kept on trying me out in every activities and competition. I sang with the group. I danced (which I really like). And I joined in declamations and quiz bees. And I was not always a winner. As I lose in every contest. I let go. My mother taught me to accept defeat. Though sometimes I blamed myself for not studying much, for not memorizing my piece so well, for being in the contest not so ready unlike my opponents were. But still, there was happiness for I knew my parents were still there cheering me up. And we will just go to jollibee to celebrate my "pagkatalo" (defeat). This let go is equal to a Jollibe meal! :P

High school was almost done, when I got the opportunity to be an exchange student to the United States of America. At first I was so excited for this was my dream and much as my parents' dream. But this privilege has to sacrifice a lot of things on my part which made me doubt to pursue my american dream. It would be my first time to be far away from my friends, family and from what I used to do. I thought that time "this would be a total change like a major change in my life!"

I was almost quitting but thank God that I realized that if I would not grab this I would missed half of my life! I figured out I have to go out of my comfort zone. I have to let go of my own box or else I will be stock on my box of fears and doubts. There you go! I pursued my american dream. The let-go-my-box made me a lot of who I am now. I become more independent, gained knowledge, self-confidence, experience, unforgettable moments, breath taking first times and above all were bunch of friends that I'm treasuring up to now. This is probably the unforgettable let go. The turning point of my life.

As I went back to my home country, I asked myself: "Am I going back with my old lifestyle? A study hard person?" I got fed up of studying over and over again. I'd spent my entire life being pressured at school and always be on top. So when I got up to college, I decided to let go of my image. And because of let-go-image, I'd easily lured by the B.I.'s (bad influence) I let go of my academic stuff and prioritized my barkada and gimiks. I did cutting classes. Joined my friends at any inuman (drinking) session. This let go put me to bad side of the world. It was one whole semester when I was so not to studying. As second semester came along, I got to know this person who changed my life 360 degrees! Soon I'd learned to love him and had this serious turned to freaky relationship. I quited smoking, drinking, and gimiks. But to this puts me again to my box. However, this was different. He took me away from my wants, dreams and friends. He was so obsessed and possessive during in our growing relationship. He prisoned me to his own life-box. My big social world become a tiny one. My friends kept on saying, "You have to quit, it's going no where..." But I was so in love which made me like a blind. That's probably the reason why "Love is BLIND," saying exists. After four months of "away-bati" scenes, our relationship ended with such bitterness. I can't believe he left me with no valid reason. He just said, "Move on." Despite of leaving me behind, I still loved him. And at that time I can't let go. I gave everything he asked for, and I was even ready to give him a lot more. But I can't believe he turned everything to trash. He kept on going back after few months but each attempt was meant to be a joke. It hurts. I've learn to LET GO how many times, why I can't this time?

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over. It's time to let go. It will be okay...”

Everything sums up to the art of LETTING GO. And I think it will always be part of our daily lives. No matter what, we have to let go of the other. We have to choose. I believe that life is a matter of choice. How you live is how you decide. And we all have to know the art of letting go and accept what has meant us to happen. When one door closes another door opens. It probably took me forever to forget and let go of him. But this is God's plan. At the right time and right moment I saw my Mr. RIGHT MAN. And I know for sure I was meant for HIM! :)

1 comment:

  1. oh, this one is quite a novel my dear.. for several minutes you were able to bring me to the places you had mentioned.. i almost got teary eyed, then bitin.. when will the next blog be?